India Initiations Part 2

My last night in Varanasi had been unexpectedly epic. I’m connected with a well-travelled Indian guy who I’d seen also meditating with Mahavatar Babaji almost every day, and we finally spoke. He took me round all kinds of temples I hadn’t discovered yet on my own. He also had a very strong practise, and was a disciple of Amma’s and Sadguru’s. On our temple crawl, we’d sat in meditation a couple of times where Amma had come through him into me, done some work in the space through me, and had also invited me to come and visit her. I psychically told her I had a bit of a wound around that – my ‘problem’ teacher had also been a disciple of hers and in that community I’d been made to feel almost like I wasn’t deserving of her, or Kali, or something. It was complicated. Anyway, she got the point, told me not to worry, and asked me to come to her ashram, Amritapuri, in Kerala.

This was annoyingly on my mind as I drove into the city. I was excited to get to visit a place I’d heard so much about, was sensing a great connection with the land and spirits there, and I wanted to have time to get into my flow. Instead, what was coming through was, ‘you’re gonna be there a week and then you’ve gotta go and see Amma’. I felt hijacked.

If you've read anything else about my life, you know I haven't had an easy time with teachers. I had thought, other than perhaps the His Holiness the Dalai Lama himself (I’ll get to that), if there was going to be one safe ‘guru’, a woman, someone who’s known as a saint for her kind heartedness, surely, it must be Amma. It’s the only reason why I gave in to the hijacked feeling at all. I booked my flight for kerala the following week.

Meanwhile I spent a cold week in Rishikesh in the off-season. It was good because it meant a fraction of the tourists but I was feeling really run down. “Ayurveda”, they said. I found a doctor and spent the week having my sinuses massaged, drinking various herbs, and clearing out my colon. It was quite fun. And enough to prepare me for the onslaught of travel that was to come.

Amritapuri

Tucked away in a little fishing village in Kerala, the ashram’s pretty big and dominates the area. It’s surrounded by walls, armed guards, lots of staff, lots of paperwork. You have to check in everyday to let them know you’re still there because ‘Amma cares about your wellbeing’. I got to the reception desk. "‘Oh, that’s odd’, they said. ‘She’s put you in the Bhramachari block’. I’d been given a room that was more like one of Amma’s personal a treatment rooms in the long-term female renunciate block. It’s directly opposite Amma’s own room and there seemed to be some kind of weird respect for me for it which I couldn’t quite understand but I was grateful not to have to share a dorm.

I got settled and signed up for orientation. We were given a really emotive video to watch about how Amma saves everyone everywhere and then shown around the complex by a woman who looked like she could do with a hamburger. ‘Amma loves us all so much’, she kept saying, just before she dropped some weird fact about what Amma actually makes them do. There were photos of Amma everywhere and I started to feel a bit strange. That afternoon, I went for Amma show – where she gives a basic dharma talk, hugs a child, and makes everyone sing Bhajans. If you’ve signed up for a hug with her (you’re allowed one a week) then there’s a whole protocol involving queuing in a rather long line and making yourself huggable – face mask on, hair tied back and sanitized. I did that on the second day and I have to say it was probably the least human or satisfying hug I’ve ever had. She whispered something Sanskit in my ear which I hope wasn’t another binding contract to serve her till the end of my days, and I left.

By day three I was getting really creeped out. I’d bunked off bhajans because, unsurprisingly, I was going through a process around personal sovereignty but Amma spies were everywhere. ‘Oh, didn’t you know, Amma’s hosting bhajans’ I’d hear from everyone I walked past. I went for a smoothie and Amma herself jumped into my thoughts and bossed me over into the hall. I sat down for a second and the penny dropped. The emotive music is a perfect tool for hooking people in subliminally. I got up and left.

Freaked out, I went to the Kali temple and sat with Kali. A lot of energy moved through me but I didn’t settle. I went to my room, tried to relax, but the alarm bells were ringing. ‘Get out’. I packed my bags, booked a nearby homestay, and messaged the guy about a lift. The homestay guy, under his own intuition, rushed to pick me up. He was a local and had a lot of things to say about the place. There’s more I could say about the place too, but I think this is enough. Safe to say, I was glad I left.

The South

Not really knowing what to do next, I headed to Varkala. It was close and it was a holiday place I’d heard of so it seemed like a refuge. I stayed a night there – long enough for a night’s rest and a nice brunch – then, already sick of being with westerner tourists, I continued south. Before I left I happened upon one of the most atmospheric temples I’ve been to though. I took some time there, it was bustling and vibrant with locals praying and chanting. The temples in the south are very different and really wonderful.

I can’t remember why I felt like I had to go to Kanyakumari but I did. It’s the very southernmost tip of India. I tracked down a Shakti Peeth no one ever goes to because it’s tiny and was actually just a box on a building site. Everyone else is drawn to the main temple nearby, but I just paid the builder/guard to let me sit there and somehow I knew it made sense that I was there. I stayed a few more days and explored some of the incredibly powerful temples in the surrounding towns and villages but I know I was cramming it in.

Then Kali came through and it was a huge relief. My whole thing about Amma was because of Kali. She’s meant to be an expression of Kali in human form (who isn’t? but anyway). It was Kali I was praying to and connecting with in my yoga days, in Peru, and in Varanasi. There was something bothering me where I didn’t feel as close to her as I wanted to be. So she showed up, and said ‘Come to my city now. Kolkata’

Kolkata

I booked a hotel near Kalighat and went there and made my offerings. There was a lot going on in my energy body there as she worked with me and I felt restless and wired. I had to eat chicken which I very rarely do. But she was awesome with me and so sweet and had me walking around the city showing me everything like a proud child might show off their drawing. The flower stalls, the ice cream parlours, the book stalls. ‘This is all my temple’ she was saying. She even fixed me up with an incredible room with an amazing rooftop and helped me start to reconnect with my body in a way the yoga classes weren’t able to. I felt more joyful than I had done for ages, and so grateful for my time there. But it wasn’t meant to be long either. I was off to Nepal, apparently. So that was that.